I wake up every morning with something gripping at my heart. It's one of those dreams again.. the dreams in which I have no control over; the dreams that love to bother me while I am at rest. You know.. my feelings are a funny thing. I truly feel that I have moved on, but my dreams tell me otherwise. If only I weren't so irrational and temperamental to the ones that mattered most, I wouldn't have to be in a situation where I'm asking myself why a thousand times. But maybe I have no control over these situations.. maybe it's not my fault. Maybe God really is the controller of my destiny, but it's hard to tell when my relationship with Him is at a standstill.

I think I'm just really scared. We all have insecurities but I think I am insecure to a fault. Before writing this, I went through my old messages, and by old, I mean like more than a year ago. I read it and smiled because at one point, I really genuinely cared for someone other than myself. It brought back so many memories but I didn't cry~ I guess in a sense, I haven't been in tune with my own emotions so I didn't know what to make out of it. A surge of emotions rushed back to me.. and it was pretty weird to say the least. I realize I took so many things for granted and the things I couldn't appreciate then, I appreciate now. In retrospect, maybe I have gained life lessons through these people. Who knows, I can't be certain. All the quarrels, bitchy episodes, and restless nights might have been well worth it because it gives me a deeper understanding of who I am through the passion I invoked, though negative as it might have been. I appreciate these people for having a voice and a place in my life because it is through them that I felt genuine happiness. I can't say that I understood what it felt to be loved in return, but I did feel cared for with utmost certainty. It makes me smile. Although their journey in life is separate from mine, I do wish them happiness and success.. Maybe this is a part of growing up on my part. Or maybe I should have realized this ages ago instead of harboring so much unnecessary resentment. I feel so silly, really.

Hopefully my dreams will be pleasant from now on instead of repeating episodes in which I feel helpless and at unease. On a subconscious level, maybe I haven't fully let go, but I'm doing everything in my power to accept what has happened in the past and move on. Maybe tonight I'll make some progress. Maybe.