...

Wow I want to get this shit over with... it's causing me anxiety.

I wake up every morning with something gripping at my heart. It's one of those dreams again.. the dreams in which I have no control over; the dreams that love to bother me while I am at rest. You know.. my feelings are a funny thing. I truly feel that I have moved on, but my dreams tell me otherwise. If only I weren't so irrational and temperamental to the ones that mattered most, I wouldn't have to be in a situation where I'm asking myself why a thousand times. But maybe I have no control over these situations.. maybe it's not my fault. Maybe God really is the controller of my destiny, but it's hard to tell when my relationship with Him is at a standstill.

I think I'm just really scared. We all have insecurities but I think I am insecure to a fault. Before writing this, I went through my old messages, and by old, I mean like more than a year ago. I read it and smiled because at one point, I really genuinely cared for someone other than myself. It brought back so many memories but I didn't cry~ I guess in a sense, I haven't been in tune with my own emotions so I didn't know what to make out of it. A surge of emotions rushed back to me.. and it was pretty weird to say the least. I realize I took so many things for granted and the things I couldn't appreciate then, I appreciate now. In retrospect, maybe I have gained life lessons through these people. Who knows, I can't be certain. All the quarrels, bitchy episodes, and restless nights might have been well worth it because it gives me a deeper understanding of who I am through the passion I invoked, though negative as it might have been. I appreciate these people for having a voice and a place in my life because it is through them that I felt genuine happiness. I can't say that I understood what it felt to be loved in return, but I did feel cared for with utmost certainty. It makes me smile. Although their journey in life is separate from mine, I do wish them happiness and success.. Maybe this is a part of growing up on my part. Or maybe I should have realized this ages ago instead of harboring so much unnecessary resentment. I feel so silly, really.

Hopefully my dreams will be pleasant from now on instead of repeating episodes in which I feel helpless and at unease. On a subconscious level, maybe I haven't fully let go, but I'm doing everything in my power to accept what has happened in the past and move on. Maybe tonight I'll make some progress. Maybe.

Relapse

My sis pretty much exposed me to EM's new album, Relapse.



It's haunting, gripping, and immersed in raw talent. Post to be edited.

So Says He

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is." - Bob Dylan

An Epiphany on Music

Now I don't know about many people but I for one am a huge music-head. I love music. I can't say that I have love for all types of music but I try to keep it as eclectic and open as possible - hip-hop, r&b, rock & roll, indie, alternative, pop, electronica, trance, etcetera etcetera. But I have to admit that I am a victim of today's mainstream music, a.k.a. the shit that is played on the radio until one's ears bleeds from its superfluous repetition. To name a few artists.. Kanye West, Lady Gaga (I love her, sorry), T-Pain, Akon, T.I., Britney Spears, Rihanna, Flo Rida, Chris Brown the Wife Beater, & the list goes on. I admit that this is pop culture at its lowest peak. Don't get me wrong though - their music is catchy and they are talented individuals, but they lack originality and creativity (cough* besides Lady Gaga.. she was a music producer, songwriter, and pianist before her rise to fame, inspired by early rock musicians and the legendary artist/painter, Andy Warhol.. her unique artistry is pretty evidence through her choice of wardrobe). I feel as if everything that streams from the radio is sampled from earlier hits from the 80's and 90's, but I digress. My point is.. music is not music anymore. Music should be transcendent; it should have a message that speaks out to people. Instead, artists and their record labels are so concerned with marketing their music that they lose focus in the substance of their craft. For example, Black artists and their producers cave into the white man's music industry. Think of it this way.. nowadays rap music has to be marketable to White suburbia even if that means having to produce shitty hip hop music; as long as it appeals to the general audience, no matter how downgraded the quality of music is, it'll be given an A-Okay by the CEO of their label (or whoever the hell gives the stamp of approval). It's the same with indie music. A lot of bands that stem from independent labels become publicized and marketed to mainstream radio stations and tv channels such as MTV & VH1. Some bands even leave their independent labels and get signed to major record labels, and that's what fucks up their music. When being signed to major labels, the artists' music become tweaked so that it will appeal to a vast quantity of people; musicians jeopardize losing their avid fans from their original label but gain mainstream popularity. It's like a bargain. They get signed to a major label in which they lose their original, artistic credibility, but in return, earn a shitload of money. That's what you call a sell-out. Where's the art in artist? I can't hate though.. I guess the concept of quantity over quality bothers me, but they're doing their thing.

Anyway, after 19 years of listening to music that rarely spoke to me, I actually came across a band that delivers beautiful music without selling their souls to corporate America. Well actually, they're an Icelandic, ambient semi-instrumental band, but they're known in the U.S. They fucking change lives with their music and I'm not exaggerating. I never appreciated the beauty of music until now. As one person said, listen to this track in the middle of the night and see if it doesn't shake your life up. To whether their music can change lives is rather subjective but totally possible. Okay, enough with the suspense. I present a kick ass band, Sigur Ros (with an accent mark on the o). Oh, and to how I even heard of this band is from word of mouth, but I re-discovered their music after listening to Bjork (again, two dots on the o) on Youtube. She's an Icelandic artist that is extremely unique. Actually, the word unique does not even encapsulate her art. She is a musically proclaimed avant-garde. To get a feel of what I mean, think about the last weird ass art exhibit you saw. That's the feeling I get when I listen to her music and watch her videos. Okay, I have this bad habit of going off topic. Anyway, here's Sigur Ros's Untitled #1 (Vaka).

If you haven't noticed, their music videos always tell a story and is rich in delivering their message, although their message can be interpreted differently.



& since I mentioned Bjork... she's a complete trip.



Thanks for listening to my rant. /ENDRANT